I have no white paper to offer

Man, the big long post I was working on was about FAN OUTRAGE, but I'm afraid that this topic has been supplanted by RETAILER OUTRAGE (best place to follow the link trail is here). I've never fully expounded on the Hyacinth Theory of good retailing here, mostly because it doesn't exist.

Honestly, I've never been completely satisfied with any comics shop. There's always something that annoys me on some level. I really like the owner of my current shop; I consider him a friend and we socialize outside the confines of the store. He stocks most of the art comics I want, including a lot of stuff that's just not up his alley. And he always tries to keep this material in stock, insofar as Diamond allows it. But he just won't buy into the manga revolution. He'll happily order manga for me, but I can't go into the store expecting to see the latest volume of Dragon Head or whatever.

I've kind of just learned to live with this. I make most of my impulse manga buys at the chain bookstores and most of my bulk buys through Amazon. As problems with stores go, this is a pretty minor one; there are plenty of places to buy manga these days. Problems I consider more severe than a poor manga selection include but are not limited to:

-an RPG section with a large and loud following; this is a thousand times worse if a section of the store is set aside for RPG people to play their games AT TOP VOLUME
-employees who sneer at the purchases you make; this is a thousand times worse if said employee has something along the lines of Ultimate Iron Man as their Pick of the Week
-employees who try to sell things to you which are only tangentially related to the things you actually wish to purchase (example: a year or so ago, my brother was buying a stack of romance comics and the cashier tried to sell him that recent issue of Daredevil with the Romita Sr. cover)
-employees who ignore customers directly seeking their attention
-multiple employees behind the counter talking about the Transformers movie when there are customers on the floor who look like they might need some help
-employees/customers having loud conversations which make me question my interest in comics (please note: I'm not talking about conversations about minute points of continuity or the appropriate degree of nipple erectness in a Big Barda statue; I'm talking about conversations which explicitly and vehemently reject the very notion that comics exist as anything other than delivery mechanisms for plot developments concerning various spectra of lantern corps or memorable Wolverine beheadings)
-employees who subject me to their terrible taste in music; Weezer seems like a popular choice among these folks
-failure to order the most basic art/literary titles, like something along the lines of the big Castle Waiting HC
-propensity to order just enough titles to fill subscribers' lists, leaving the shelves a barren wasteland
-stock which has been bleached by sunlight, dogeared by gravity/wind, etc.
-open hostility from employees
-positioning the store's fixtures in a manner that prohibits ease of browsing (my store of choice borders on having this problem)

A store with any of those problems would have to be really, really good in other ways to get my patronage. Generally speaking, if a store has a good selection of comics I want to buy, I will put up with all kinds of unprofessional/annoying shit. Here is a partial list of things people complain about in other stores which I dislike but will gladly tolerate if the store carries something I want to buy:

-new comics piled up on a table rather than put out on the shelf
-dim lighting
-creepy cashier(s) (so long as they keep to themselves)
-disorganized stock
-failure to carry classic comic strip collections
-failure to carry comics by smaller independent publishers (I'm talking smaller than Top Shelf/D&Q/Fantagraphics)
-failure to carry minicomics
-complete lack of back issue stock
-lack of air conditioning
-stupid toys, sculptures, and assorted superhero ephemera
-loud manga fans
-questionable odors, provided they aren't overwhelming
-a pro-Kevin Smith atmosphere
-no comics for kids or general kid-unfriendliness (two caveats: (1) if the store has a high traffic in youngsters, I think its management must either chase the kids off or make the store as kid-friendly as possible, assuming this doesn't interfere with the store's profitability; (2) if the store is avowedly kid-friendly, then it shouldn't play Kevin Smith movies on the television and the employees should watch what they're saying)
-sub-moronic staff who have never heard of, say, Walt Kelly or Robert Crumb
-a clear favoritism towards superhero comics
-displays, events, or the like suggesting that screechy middlebrow comics are the highest level to which comics can aspire
-television(s) constantly playing old Star Trek episodes (or the like)

Here are problems I have not yet encountered in any store, but which don't seem completely unrealistic and which I would probably find very annoying were I to encounter them:

-refusal to special order titles through Diamond
-pressure to make a special hold list
-uptightness about flipping through comics
-a Goth-intense staff
-televison(s) constantly playing porn
-creator(s) hanging out, pestering you to buy their comics (note: I'm not talking about a formal signing here)

But like I said, I'm willing to put up with all kinds of stupid shit so long as the store has material I want to buy. I might not come in every week, and I might consider other options if the store is annoying in multiple ways. But if I can go in with full confidence that that new Dash Shaw GN will be there, then I'll put up with all manner of annoyances.

Related: In all likelihood I'll be moving beyond the reach of my current store in the next six or seven months, and I'm a little nervous about what lies out there. It's been a long time since I've had to switch stores. Frankly, I've never shopped at a store which I held in any degree of contempt. Maybe I've just been lucky. Maybe there's a lot of Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and direct ordering from the publisher in my future, but I sure hope not. I'll make sure to ask you folks about the quality of stores in my new location when and if the time comes.

BONUS: 10 THINGS I LOOK FOR IN A GROCERY STORE

1. A decent brand of tofu
2. Decent produce (bell peppers being a good indicator of the overall quality)
3. Sales which aren't tied to the store's price club or whatever
4. Absence of yuppie-types who are oblivious to your need to get to the area where they're aimlessly chatting with fellow yuppies, thus jeopardizing your ability to finish your shopping in the small window of time you have allotted for it
5. Absence of old people whose slow movements inhibit your progress, thus jeopardizing your ability to finish your shopping in the small window of time you have allotted for it (this isn't entirely fair, since it's not like anyone chooses to get old; however, one can choose to be an oblivious yuppie)
6. Absence of divorced/single middle-aged men who will scornfully rush past you at top speed in order to get to the Chunky Soup or whatever it is that divorced/single middle-aged men who can't cook for themselves eat
7. Adequate supply of cashiers
8. Adequate supply of carts
9. Bakeries with at least one unique item which I like to eat
10. Prices that don't make me feel like a sucker for continuing to shop at the store

As you may have guessed, I have never come close to finding a grocery store which comes close to satisfying all these desires.