Marvel: the penis outside your window

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN: Everyone's favorite penis that can't catch a break is really in for it now: a date with Mary Jane, a battle with the Vulture, and Aunt May on her deathbed in the hospital. Will Peter Parker's penis make a stunning decision? Spider-Man's penis no more! Note to retailers: this issue will ship with a special 1 in 10 variant cover depicting the historic meeting between Spider-Man's penis and Barack Obama's penis.

IRON MAN: Part one of the yearlong epic PENIS WARS. It's Tony Stark's darkest secret: when those Red Chinese shot him full of shrapnel, they took out his penis in the process. For years, Stark has pleasured a wide array of beautiful women with a realistic prosthetic, code-named Iron Penis. But now Iron Penis has maybe fallen into potentially wrong hands, and could theoretically be used for evil. The Penis Wars have begun! Guest starring the ghost of Captain America.

THOR: Tricked by Loki, Thor is forced to sacrifice his testicles to save Midgard. Faced with this empty scrotum, Lady Sif weeps for days. Nourished by her tears, two enchanted holly berries grow in the place of the missing testicles. Tragically, Baldur has no choice but to eat these poisonous berries (long story), and his death signals the beginning of Ragnarok. Lo, what hath thou wrought, Thor's penis?

SILVER SURFER: For the past 20 years, the greatest mystery of the Marvel Universe has been: where does the Silver Surfer keep his penis? He used to wear silver underwear, but now he apparently doesn't. Why? To find the answer, the Silver Surfer take his penis to the far ends of the universe to convene with the Elder Phalli of the Marvel Universe. Does Norrin Radd dare gaze upon the fearsome penis of the mighty Galactus?

THE THING: For generations, fans have wondered about the Thing's penis. Is it orange? Is it made out of rocks? What they've never considered, however, is that the Thing is, you know, Jewish. You know. What happens when Ben Grimm decides he wants to restore his foreskin? And what key does Paste Pot Pete hold to this phallolithic foreskin reclamation process?

THE VISION: Why do female robots (to the extent that such a term is meaningful for artificial life) always have breasts, but male robots only rarely have penises? The Vision wants to know, and he's going to kill as many Hydra agents as it takes until he gets some answers. But he won't know the real truth until he gets a look at Wonder-Man's penis, which is being held hostage by Baron von Strucker himself. Can these two "brothers" put aside their differences long enough to rescue the kidnapped genitalia?

WOLVERINE: Now that his memory is back, Wolverine is finally starting to remember all the unconventional places his penis has been. But one memory still haunts him: that magical winter he spent with a Sasquatch during the Klondike gold rush. Logan never would have left that musky cave had he not sworn a blood oath of loyalty to Grover Cleveland. Now Wolverine has heard rumors that he left that Sasquatch with more than just memories. And if that mutant-Sasquatch hybrid can't be convinced to use his powers for good, what hope does mankind have?

THE HULK: You've probably always assumed the Hulk's penis was green (or gray or red, as the case may be). You were wrong, and you'll be shocked to learn why the color of the Hulk's penis will determine the fate of Atlantis! Can the fury of the Hulk's penis stand up to the graceful power of Namor's penis, which can breathe underwater and has little wings attached to it?