Friday, August 24, 2007

Sex! Sex! Sex! And comics!

What I would have included in the first issue of Comic Foundry, if I were the editor and wished to stick to the "comics culture" (or whatever) mission statement:

-Beyond Commander Steel: We all know that modern superheroes like to get it on, just like their cool, cocktail-swilling fans. But which super-dude is packing the most trouser muscle? Some of our favorite artists share their interpretations of heroic phalli. Who's cut? Who's not? Who's hanging to the left? Who likes the brisk feel of a hairless scrotum? Who's a little intimidating? Who's downright scary? There's only one way to find out. (Warning: these drawings are really sexy and might turn you into a homosexual. Use extreme caution when viewing.)

-T-shirt Mania: You like superhero comics and EVERYONE YOU MEET MUST KNOW IT. That means you constantly wear t-shirts featuring depictions of Marvel and DC's intellectual properties. Which shirt(s) will least impair your ability to get laid? Which ones can you pass off as "ironic?" Our expert panel mulls the question.

-A Legacy of Shame: Well, you finally suckered some poor woman into marrying you, and now you're going to taint* the gene pool with your comic-loving DNA. But what will you name your progeny (assuming the marriage lasts long enough to encompass the act of procreation)? Any doofus can name their dog or cat after supporting characters from Popeye, but it takes a special type of fan to look a newborn baby in the face and call him/her "Wimpy." We'll tell you which comic strip-derived baby names are the hottest this year, from Officer Pupp to Nice Pete.

*Pun intended.

-Pointless Assholery: What do your favorite comics creators listen to when they're blowing their deadlines (probably by having hot, comic-related sex)? We asked several popular middlebrow favorites to share their fave playlists; we didn't tell them that I only solicited this information in order to mock their hopelessly insipid taste in music. Part two of this feature follows next month, when the aforementioned creators write in with angry rebuttals, which I will also mock (with special emphasis on identifying grammatical errors).

-Holy Baked Goods, Batman!: Shaggy and Scooby loved them, and now you can try them as well. The authentic Bat-Cookie recipe is revealed at last! The secret ingredient may shock and arouse you!

(Note: If you're reading this in the not-too-distant future, and Comic Foundry has become a sort of feminist-friendly version of Wizard, as Jog thinks might be a potentially valid direction based on the first issue, please feel free to leave comments telling me how stupid I was back in the dark days of 2007.)

6 comments:

MarkAndrew said...

HA!

So did you actually read it?

I just saw the cover.

It doesn't scream feminist friendly.

Or, y'know, not un-fucking-terrible.

Dick Hyacinth said...

So wait, are you saying it appears to be terrible or not? I'm confused by your double negative (which, as a comics blogger, I'm apparently obliged to point out).

Also, my retailer didn't order a copy. We were discussing it tonight (COUTURE! COUTURE! COUTURE! and also GSP! GSP! GSP!) and he still thinks it's a crazy/stupid idea for a magazine. But what does he know? He's just a retailer.

Benjamin said...

HA!

WOW! I really want to read those articles!

I've been teasing my pregnant wife that we should name our baby "Vince Clortho"

She is steadfast in her refusal.

bitterandrew said...

My wife picked up a copy in hopes of it living up to the hype.

I can sum up my impressions of it as: Not being terrible is not the same as being especially good.

(Though I must confess that in my present mindset toward the medium, my ideal comics mag would most likely resemble Alter Ego with a lower dosage of Roy Thomas.)

"Starman" Matt Morrison said...

I got it.

I rather liked it.

I found it to be a lot more intelligent than Wizard (which is not - admittedly - difficult) and a lot less pompus than Comics Journal.

It's a fun read, IMHO. Then again, I'd probably be endeared to any magazine that does an interview with Avril that reveals her to be the vapid, stupid bimbo she is.

"Pink is a poseur punk" my lilly white ass. ;P

Jeff Rients said...

I would totally buy your issues just to make some authentic Bat-Cookies. My daughter and I could eat them while watching Scooby Doo or the Superfriends.