Monday, February 16, 2009

I swear I'm going to run this every year until someone admits it's funny

I have to admit, this makes even less sense the further we get from those halcyon days of furious reactions to Civil War (responses to Final Crisis are positively panegyrical in comparison), perhaps best exemplified by those ubiquitous/fatuous "Cap was right" banners. Also noteworthy (sort of): I do not have a stepfather; my parents are actually still married. And man, I really liked exclamation points back then.

I added in an entry for President Obama and edited some stuff that seemed excessively dumb in retrospect (obviously that's really saying something). Otherwise, this is the same shit I've run the last two President's Days. Get used to it!

You know, we don't do enough to celebrate President's Day in the DC/Marvelogosphere, which is a terrible shame. So we asked our crack research team, who we guarantee know more about history than you, to rectify this situation. What they came up with is a list of which president best corresponds to which corporate intellectual property. Hope you enjoy!

-Abraham Lincoln: Known as the father of our country, old Honest Abe only needed one nickname: the Rail Splitter. Now we've never been much for physical labor. I mean, occasionally our stepfather would force us to pick weeds on a Saturday afternoon, even though we told him that we were allergic to dirt. God, I HATE HIM SO MUCH....Anyway, we speculate that rail-splitting might have been something like swinging a hammer. So the obvious answer here is THOR.

-George Washington: Known as the father of our country, old Honest George was known for chopping down cherry trees just to prove how honest he is. Well, no superhero says "chop" quite like KARATE KID.

-Andrew Jackson: Waged war on the Indians, killed a man in a duel...sounds like JONAH HEX to us. Plus they kind of looked similar.

-Andrew Hamilton: This president is best known for appearing on a ten dollar bill, being secretary of the treasury, calling for the expansion of the federal government, and being killed by Aaron Burr. We're going to say IRON MAN.

-Aaron Burr: We'll continue our earlier line of thought and say CAPTAIN AMERICA. We guess we'll see this Wednesday--we can't wait!!!!!!!!

-Ronald Reagan: We always associate Reagan with our stupid stepfather, who made us wear a stupid Reagan/Bush '84 button to class. All the cool first graders called me us a nazi and made us eat dirt, which made our allergies act up. Our stupid stepfather had a stupid mustache like DOCTOR STRANGE, so let's go with him.

-Franklin Roosevelt: Well, Roger Stern says CAPTAIN AMERICA, so who are we to disa--wait, we already did Captain America. Uh, let's say USAGENT.

-George W. Bush: We hear he doesn't care about black people, and neither did GREEN LANTERN, HAL JORDAN VERSION. Bring back the other guy! [In all fairness to Hal Jordan and his gruesome legion of fans, I hear that he did care about the "purple skins." -DH]

-George HW Bush: Obviously must be GREEN LANTERN, ALAN SCOTT VERSION.

-John F Kennedy: Taken from us too soon. GWEN STACEY.

-Bill Clinton: The greatest player in the history of the presidents, the ultimate large-testicled sex machine. Clearly you have to go with that stud NIGHTWING. We bet they've even had sex with some of the same women! In the DCU, we mean. We know Nightwing doesn't really exist...yet!

-Warren G Harding: Known as the most handsome president, so we guess he'd be BATMAN. Well, we hear women think Batman is handsome. We can't tell, being totally heterosexual-type guys.

-Dwight D Eisenhower: We think he looks like METAMORPHO. Runner up: DON RICKLES.

-Grover Cleveland: Our greatest president, the man who freed the slaves, proponent of free silver. Clearly the best choice is SILVER SURFER.

-Barack Hussein Obama: Call me old fashioned, but I'm going to say GREEN LANTERN, JOHN STEWART VERSION. I've always thought Denny O'Neill's depiction of a proud, angry black hero was directly responsible for the passage of the Voting Rights Act. The Civil Rights Act probably had more to do with Lt. Flap from Beetle Bailey, though. I guess that would have been a good choice had this been an article comparing presidents to minor comic strip characters. Maybe next year. [Ha ha. -DH]

And there you have it, every president ever, compared to a superhero. Happy Presidents' Day!!!! !!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tucker Stone said...

This, savage critics, you? Mouthkisses! mouthkisses!

James Kang said...

Hilarious. You should write funny stuff more often, Dick. It seems like you toned that side of yourself down after your first few months of blogging.

Dick Hyacinth's Ghost said...

This was from the first few months of my blogging, actually.

Since it looks like I'll be doing more serious stuff at The Savage Critic, I might try to write more posts in this vein here.

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Unknown said...

This, savage critics, you? Mouthkisses! mouthkisses!

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